why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Randomize
