Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
Randomize
