Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
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