You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
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