I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
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