One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
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