He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
How does one acquire holy water?
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
