I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
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