are you so shy because you have an std?
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
I have all the porn. Be there soon
Who is this?
Randomize
