A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
We smell like vodka and hangover
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
