Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
