I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
