Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
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