Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Randomize
