i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
