If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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