How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
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