i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Randomize
