we have officially mastered the walk of shame
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
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