Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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