Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
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