I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
