So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Randomize
