so craigslist just dropped their "erotic services" ads. there goes our livelyhood
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
