Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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