You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Randomize
