Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
