Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
