How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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