:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
