i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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