i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
