I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
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