I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
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