Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
