Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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