I'm laying in your front yard are you home
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Randomize
