I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
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