Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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