Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
You made out with two different species that night
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
