Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Randomize
