New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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