I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
