just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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