her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
