I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize
