two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
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