This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
