maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
Text me some of your sweat
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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