my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Randomize
