I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
