Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
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