I think i peed on brittanys purse
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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