Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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