Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
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