I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
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