If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
Randomize
