I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Randomize
