420 ftw
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
