I wish I could teleport
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize
